Love for life and pessimism are not opposites. I can be deeply negative and still believe that life is beautiful. Often, I can’t even tell whether I’m doing well or not. Part of me is falling apart and sinking; another part is trying desperately to heal. I’m not especially happy, but I’m not exactly unhappy either. I know this probably isn’t how I’m supposed to be, yet for now, it is where I am.
Falling off course is not the most frightening thing. The more frightening thing is doing it with full awareness. I understand what is wrong, yet I still resist action. I don’t want an ordinary life, but I’m also unwilling to work for the life I say I want. I feel pushed to change my situation, but I don’t know where to begin, so I wear myself down in the same cycle again and again.
Shi Tiesheng once wrote: “The greatest harm of procrastination is not simply wasted time. It makes a person hesitant and can even destroy confidence. Whatever it is, once you’ve decided, do it immediately. That alone can fill life with energy and preserve a sense of initiative and joy.”
So I decided to begin again. To learn again. To take in each moment of life as it comes—watching dramas, exercising, studying, talking to the people around me, and doing the things I need to do. I don’t want to keep tying my life to other people. I want to live for myself. I want to love, dislike, express, and feel. I want to be fully myself. I hope I can stop resisting sudden waves of bad emotion, truly accept who I am, and make peace with myself.
A good life is not built by draining yourself dry. It is lived at a measured pace. When desire keeps chasing us forward, it is easy to move too fast and lose sight of who we are. Real strength comes from knowing how to subtract from desire, how to live peacefully with your inner world, how to stay clear-headed and self-possessed, and how to keep your own rhythm.
If you want to be happy, you cannot spend too much attention on other people. Your time and energy are precious; they should be used on yourself instead of being endlessly consumed by others. If you run into difficult or strange people, leave. Protecting your emotional stability matters most. Live seriously. Love yourself. Become more resilient—better able to bear helplessness, neglect, and loneliness. Think carefully about what you want most, then focus on your own path and do your own work.
There is no such thing as a template for a perfect life. Instead of staring at other people’s seemingly beautiful lives and sinking into anxiety and disappointment, it is better to stay present and take each step in front of you with steadiness. The life you want is something only you can fulfill for yourself.
Almost nothing in this world is fair, except time. Everyone gets the same twenty-four hours in a day. Everything that happened yesterday became who I am today. Everything I do today is shaping who I will become next.
The mountains are high and the road is long. I hope you see the world—and somewhere along the way, find yourself too.