I hadn’t planned to write anything. Then, while I was making dinner, my younger brother and sister told me something that has stayed with me.
They said that every year, after I go back to Shunde, they quietly cry. I was stunned. I always thought they were the kind of kids who let things roll off their backs. Every year, when I leave after the New Year, I feel a bit reluctant and low, but I comfort myself by thinking that they’re there, and I look forward to the next time we’re all together. It never occurred to me that they smile and see me off, then go back to their rooms and cry. They said the house gets very quiet once we’ve gone.
That was hard for me to believe, because to me my younger siblings have always seemed so carefree. But I do know they look forward to our return every year. Before we come home, they ask when we’ll arrive.
This is one reason I keep going back to my hometown every year. The other is my grandmother. She’s getting older, and her health isn’t what it used to be. I’m afraid that next year she might not be there. So I make myself go back every year to see her and spend time with her.
The older I get, the less eager I am about going home. Compared with childhood, going back now means more trouble than anticipation. There are relatives’ questions and their version of care, my parents’ scolding and misunderstanding, and all the customs and chores that come with the New Year. If I’m not careful, I step on one of my parents’ triggers. And although the family has seemed harmonious these past few years, there are a lot of conflicts underneath. That makes me want to go home even less.
Every year, I’m the one who goes back early, alone. Then I wait for my parents to come after they get time off. I used to dislike being there by myself ahead of everyone else. The day my parents arrived was what I looked forward to most, because then I could finally breathe. I didn’t have to be the eldest daughter and take everything on, pretending to be mature and sensible. Now going home feels almost like visiting someone else’s house. I’m careful about every little thing I do.
This year, I was the only one. My parents didn’t come back. I’ve been treading carefully up to today, and in two days I’ll be on my way back to Shunde. A few days ago I was grumbling that I never wanted to come back for the New Year again. But today I found myself saying, “I’ll definitely come back next year, even if I’m by myself.”
I’ve always believed that family love is great and selfless, but in reality it can be so hard to understand. We’re all family, so why do we still argue over money and interests? Is it because I don’t understand society well enough, or because people are simply selfish?
My father once believed in family the way I do now. But after going through enough, he says he’d rather trust money. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I still don’t see things clearly enough. And maybe I don’t want to reach the day when I do.
Still, no matter what, they are my family, the people I love most. ❤