I first met L back in 2018. We were in the same class in our second year of high school, but before that, most of what happened has blurred in my memory. At that time, we really weren’t that familiar with each other.
The first clear moment I can remember us getting closer was when she asked me a physics question and I explained it to her.
After the college entrance exam, we hardly kept in touch. I dated two people after that, and when both relationships ended, I talked to her about them. Even so, from the exam all the way to the first semester of sophomore year, we still weren’t especially close.
Then, sometime this semester, things started changing little by little. We talked about all kinds of things, and it felt like our values lined up in a way that made conversation easy. Before long, we became very, very familiar with each other. And then today she asked me a question:
L: I want to tell you something.
L: Don’t you think chatting every day like this is kind of draining?
S: What does “draining” mean?
L: I think normal male-female friendships shouldn’t be like this.
L: It’s like spending time and energy without getting anything back.
L: That’s how I understand it. I don’t really like this kind of thing either—the feeling that we’re kind of keeping each other hanging. It’s not very responsible. What do you think?
S: Yeah, that’s true.
After that, I told her I had never really thought about it. I think she must have been pretty disappointed. It felt like I had taken the energy left over from my breakups and poured it onto her, without any real intention of taking things further. Yet I was still talking to her every day, and that really was irresponsible. I used to hate that kind of behavior, and I never thought I’d end up becoming that sort of person myself.
Messy and complicated
Maybe I don’t even know what I’m thinking.
This afternoon, just as she said, “If there’s no real reason, we should just talk less,” I tried to act like we did before we became close. I saw a video I wanted to send her, but when I thought of what she said, I didn’t press share. I was in a bad mood this afternoon, and when I fell asleep, I dreamed I was doing the high jump. Then, ridiculously, I kicked my legs in bed. I wanted to send her that too, but I stopped myself again because of what she had said.
In the lecture hall, the air-conditioning was blasting and I was freezing, and I wanted to tell her that too. But again, I didn’t send it. It felt like something in my life was missing. Sharing is such a strange thing. I see the simplest little things and immediately want to tell her, as if life is full of interesting moments that could be shared with her everywhere, all the time. From this afternoon to tonight, I kept looking at my phone and putting it back down. I couldn’t really bring myself to send anything, and I couldn’t receive any messages from her either.
I can’t tell what she meant this afternoon. Was she trying to put some distance between us because our relationship wasn’t normal, or was she trying to move things forward? If I hadn’t dated anyone in college, I definitely would have confessed in a situation like this. Even if she didn’t like me, it wouldn’t be a big deal—we could still just be ordinary friends. But after my last relationship, I seem to have become hesitant about feelings. I can’t even tell whether I actually like her now. If I don’t like her, then why do I want to share every little thing with her? And if I do like her, then why don’t I have any urge to make things more serious? Dragging it out like this is exactly the kind of person I used to despise. How did I end up like this?
Virgo
I don’t even believe in astrology, sob.
Last night, Tao Bai Bai posted a new video, and L is a Virgo. She said the video described her perfectly. It said that Virgos give people a score, and if two people move forward too quickly, they’ll immediately calm down and put some distance between themselves. At that point, the other person has to give a definite answer. Even if they’re not fully prepared, they still need to say yes, and that is what raises the Virgo person’s score for them. Today, when I answered her question, I kept thinking of that video. But I also felt that kind of reassurance would be irresponsible too. A yes has to be a carefully considered yes, not something said lightly just to make someone feel better.
Liking someone
Since then, I’ve kept thinking about what our relationship is and what I really feel. Talking to her feels comfortable, and I genuinely like her. I still remember once telling her that I had argued with my girlfriend about something, and she told me not to talk about my girlfriend with female friends, because my girlfriend would definitely get upset.
Ugh. Since this afternoon, my mood has been all over the place—back and forth, worried and unsure. I think I may really have fallen for her, but for some reason I keep feeling like I shouldn’t be getting invested in something new this fast. And somehow I’ve started feeling a little ashamed of that too.
Ugh, I don’t even know what I’m rambling about anymore. My head is a mess. I should go to sleep.