Some days I really have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.
Everyone else looks like they’re doing fine, like college is fun for them, like they’re busy in a good way. Meanwhile I keep wondering: am I the only one this anxious?
I did try
At one point I made money on Xianyu by helping people track things down for them. The platform pushed traffic my way for a while, and for a moment it felt like I was becoming some kind of boss in that niche. I couldn’t find everything, but I did find a lot. I didn’t screenshot all of it, but it wasn’t 214—it was probably over 300.
Then people started copying me. Some even came asking to “learn from me.” The funny part is none of them were making money either. Learn what exactly?
At first it felt fresh. Later it became irritating.
There was one person I really didn’t want to help anymore. He had already searched all over Xianyu and still couldn’t find what he wanted, and he kept acting desperate, so I helped anyway. After I found it, I thought maybe this kind of person would at least pay a little extra. I’d met buyers before who knew perfectly well that what I found was worth more than the listed fee; even if it said five yuan, they’d usually add more. I could have asked for a lot more if I wanted.
But no. After all that time wasted, he paid the five yuan and that was it. I even asked for a positive review and didn’t get a single proper reply.
A lot of people would come to me, get the software their own customers needed, and then go make real money off it themselves. There are plenty of stories like that. I was the fool in all of them.
There were also all kinds of shady things I only learned about because of this: message bombing, doxxing, temporary number services, stuff like that. I only ever used bombing once for my mom against a client she hated. At one point, in a spectacularly stupid move, I taught someone a very cheap doxxing method for twenty yuan. He acted so sincere, asking questions like a kid, and the money barely mattered—it felt more like I wanted to show off.
Then a few weeks or maybe a few months later, that “Mole database” leaked, and for a while I actually thought it might somehow be because of me. It wasn’t. In the end he squeezed another twenty out of me and disappeared, after constantly coming back with more questions. That database got shut down, then a replacement appeared pretty quickly, and after that you needed a new bot to use it.
I tried this, tried that, still didn’t make much money, and on top of it got mocked anyway.
At least some of it was useful
It wasn’t all worthless. I did help my younger sister buy BLACKPINK merch from overseas.
The Korean entertainment people really do have good taste.
Still, if girls are into female idols because they want to dance better, sing better, and become better themselves, that’s actually kind of nice.
I also helped my sister pick computer parts and find games. At least I can still tell i5 from i7, and 3060 from 3060 Ti. And yes, I’ve also played pirated Steam games without paying.
Here are two PC builds I put together:
- CPU: 12600KF tray version, 1639 (Xianyu and Pinduoduo)
- Motherboard: ROG Strix B660-A "Snow" edition, 1389 (Xianyu)
- Graphics card: Maxsun iCraft 3070, 3800 (Taobao)
- RAM: ADATA XPG D50 white glaze 3600, 8×2, 519 (Taobao)
- SSD: SN770 1T, 609 (Taobao)
- Cooler: Thermalright white 240 ARGB liquid cooler, 435 (Taobao)
- Power supply: Segotep GM750W, gold-rated, fully modular, iceberg white, 439 (Xianyu)
- Case: choose your own, just make sure it supports ATX motherboards
- Total: 8830 (without coupons)
And another one:
- CPU: i5 12490F
- CPU + motherboard bundle: 2142
- Motherboard: ASUS TUF B660M
- RAM: Kingston Fury 3200, 8×2, 466
- Graphics card: Colorful 2060 12G Tomahawk Deluxe, 2200
- SSD: WD SN770 PCIe 4.0 1T, 634
- Power supply: FSP MS650S 650W gold-rated fully modular, 366
- Cooler: Jonsbo CR1400 ARGB four-heatpipe, 67
- Case: whatever you like
- Monitor: Songren 27-inch IPS 2K 165Hz, 1092
- Total price: 6967
Things I started and then dropped
I also tried learning AI—Adobe Illustrator. At the time I thought being able to design logos was cool. After submitting a few designs and getting nowhere, I found a few websites that could generate and let you download logos for free in no time, and I gave up immediately.
Now I don’t even dare tell people I studied it seriously. I’ve forgotten almost all of it.
These days AI image generation is everywhere, and honestly it is pretty fun. I had just found something playable and saved it to Baidu Cloud, then opened Douyin, and the very first video was a tutorial pushing exactly that—Novelaileak. Big data is terrifying.
If anyone wants to try it, this was the site: novelai.top
I checked just now and people are even selling this on Xianyu. The most expensive listing was eight yuan. I originally didn’t want to post it, because it can probably generate NSFW stuff. It works on both phones and computers, and it runs normally—I could even run it on my terrible thin-and-light laptop.
That said, avoid buying thin-and-light laptops if you can. Sure, they’re light and the battery life is nice, but the memory is too small, and mine can’t even be upgraded. The back panel is basically locked down. I use too much software, so every time I want to try something new, I have to delete something else first. Novel takes more than 30 GB, so for now I still can’t really play with it.
People keep asking why AI is so powerful. Well, if you give it learning material, it really does learn. I’ve heard the one thing AI image tools still can’t draw properly is chopsticks—apparently it keeps misunderstanding them and turning them into noodles.
Looking back, I was stupid in a very ordinary way
Now I think I really was dumb. I should have treated those buyers better. Maybe I could have built better relationships, maybe made some connections, maybe that would have helped later when it came time to find work. Someone might have put in a word for me and made things easier.
But what do I have now? Nothing, really. Nothing I’m good at. I’m even thinking maybe I should just get a job somewhere as a security guard and head straight into factory work.
Sigh.
It’s November again, which means it’s almost time for my parents to ask me for living expenses.
I’m so broke I can barely eat, and my mom is borrowing money from me too.
Things are hard.
Am I really the only anxious one?