The food at work goes cold fast in a Chongqing winter. Usually I go to eat on schedule, and the food still loses its heat before long; the city's winter never disappoints. Tonight I finished work at 6:30, nearly an hour past the normal dinner time, and the food was already cold before I took a bite.
After eating I drank some hot water. Within ten minutes a gripping cramp began to come in waves. At first I thought I could tough it out, but the more I held on, the worse it got. On the hurried drive home, the pain spread from my stomach to below my navel; I felt like I was dying.
Last time I asked logistics whether they could keep the food warmer. They said the heating was already on. The problem has not really been solved, but at least I got a reply.
Then I thought back to the end of last June, during final exams. Because of cross-school invigilation, many teachers were assigned to other schools. After each half-day exam we still had pre-exam tutoring for the next session, but most subject teachers were no longer in our school. I asked the academic affairs office what to do, and the answer in the group chat was "the homeroom teachers will watch the students." I lost it and shot back: "So the homeroom teachers don't get a single break all day?"
The reason I was so worked up: we have to count students before 7:30 a.m., then invigilate, then watch the students after invigilation—no time to rest all day. On normal days we also leave early and come back late, but at least there are some gaps to breathe.
The academic affairs office said nothing. Soon after, the principal called the grade director. Because we share an office, I could not hear the words clearly, but the tone was full of displeasure; he gave me a dressing-down. Probably worried the grade director could not get through to me, he called me right after hanging up. His tone was less harsh, but he was still clearly unhappy.
I summed up three points at the time, but now I only remember the gist: 1) since the pay and benefits are better than before, you naturally have to give more; 2) if you have something to say, send a private message—don't rattle on in the group chat, because others will just see you as a clown; 3) once you produce results, the leadership will naturally see your requests.
He also appealed to my feelings: "At the time none of us thought much of you, but the deputy party secretary insisted on hiring you. Now she is explaining things in the group, and you keep replying—how do you think that makes her feel?"
I have to admit, I cave when someone appeals to me gently, but dig in when pushed. Thinking about how the deputy secretary had paid attention to me and helped me over the past year, I let the matter drop.
I know very well that at our school teachers' opinions do not count for much. Occasionally staff are asked for suggestions, but most are not adopted. Maybe I am not cut out to be a leader, because I often find their decisions baffling. For instance, our grade is clearly short of Chinese teachers, yet at the start of this semester one was moved to a new grade. Now our grade has 15 classes and 8 Chinese teachers, while the first year of junior high has 20 classes and 16 Chinese teachers—two of whom are not teaching and have been assigned other duties.
So last time I reported that the food wasn't hot, I did not speak for myself. I said parents had complained. I figured that even if the leaders did not care about staff or students, they surely cared about public opinion. Yet even that did not get the issue taken seriously.
Just as I was about to write this rambling account to vent my complicated feelings, another teacher's protest came through the work group chat. The trigger: while she was keeping order in a special course in one class, she made some inappropriate remarks, and the students felt insulted. Her photo on the display wall was damaged again and again. At first she asked for her photo to be replaced; later she demanded the school investigate. Today she ran into the students outside and they brought up that class to her face.
I will not judge my colleague's words or actions; everyone has their own standards. I mention it only because it made me think: when I complained in the group, the principal called to criticize me. If this matter keeps being raised in the group, how will the leaders communicate with her?
It does not really matter—it concerns only her own interests or reputation. As for me, work has ground me down until I have neither vitality nor anger left. Going to work and coming home, I just reek of the job. Who would have thought? After all these years of "reducing the burden," we still work overtime on New Year's Day and weekends—writing study guides, drafting unit tests, grading papers—and yet the load feels heavier than ever.